I haven’t really gone into my life story on this blog yet, but take my word when I say that it has been anything but uneventful. (Really, that is an understatement.)
Which is why at the moment I am so disoriented. I am taken aback by the calm and stability I have somehow stumbled into.
This peace, is entirely alien.
And that’s not to say that my life is perfect or without conflict, but it is so much more so than I can ever recall from the past. I’ve struggled with the consequences of childhood trauma, toxic relationships, mental health issues, and a plethora of other problems for so long. And for the first time, I actually feel healthy.
I feel alive, connected to myself, connected to the world. I have most of my more irrational behaviors and impulses managed and have effectively trained my mind to maintain control rather than being reactive in
emotionally charged situations. I am no longer relying on any sort of medication for daily function, am actively improving my physical health, enjoy meaningful connections with my friends, and am existing in a wonderful romantic relationship.
I’ve never felt more okay, I’ve never felt happier. And it’s absolutely thrilling…
And completely terrifying.
A part of me is so scared that the minute I accept or relish in my newfound light, life will gleefully throw me some new source of pain and grief.
I understand that I cannot live my life just waiting for the shoe to drop, but the feeling still persists.
On the other hand, I have been encouraged to take advantage of this calm before the storm. To utilize this era of calm bliss to develop myself and further my progress within my career (or lack thereof). I see the logic, repair the roof while the sky is blue and cloudless. But this invites a whole new issue. I have spent so long learning how to be a human, swimming through the sticky mess of my own mind and desperately trying to cope with my pain and sorrow. While everyone else my age was growing along more traditional life paths, cultivating their knowledge and setting forth to build their futures.
I feel so behind.
It’s not healthy or rational for me to compare myself to others, I simply have a different trial.
Everyone has suffering and pain, and everyone has infinite challenges they must confront in their lives.
But even knowing that the feeling that I have fallen very far behind still persists.
I am grateful, for the relative peace I have attained, and proud of my growth and progress. I love the person I have become.
It is evident to me now that I have so much more growing to do, and so much further to go.
Extraordinarily Ordinary 