I promised you all many things… desperately pledged my entire being.
I’m sorry for lying.
Fear controls me often,
not that it’s an excuse.
The potent fear of loneliness and rejection are fed by my insecurity, and so I try to supplement all that I am certain I lack; I substitute it with emotional chains, that trap you and bind you to me.
I have fed you delicious words. Told you I would never leave, that I would always forgive, that our connection was special.
Unbreakable.
I am selfish and cruel, desperate for understanding and hungry for the exact connection I had hoped to seduce you with. I have happily laced our futures together, attempted to carve my essence into your very being, and memorialized myself in your mind with every crazy adventure and soul-baring conversation. I have given you the illusion of irrevocable, unconditional devotion.
I am not such a saint.
My body, soul, and mind have a breaking point despite what I have said.
But my tolerance, fear of loss, fear to let you go and be all alone again; it makes me stay. I stay longer than I should. I forgive what I shouldn’t. I bear the pain and weight so long it lures you into a sleepy stupor. You feel invincible, untouchable….safe.
You were never safe.
And now, I am done.
It’s like a switch flipping. Once the button is pushed, all the devotion, overwhelming emotion, care, and love disappear. It makes me wonder if I ever really cared, or if I fabricated some grand illusion for entertainment, for how could genuine emotion be so intense and then so instantaneously disabled? Often I realize you cost more than you’re worth. That the debt of emotional labor is too great for you to ever repay. And then I’m gone.
Likely, I have given you a final goodbye, cleanly severing our relationship with a long list of reasons… and then I cannot be bothered to ever speak to you again.
Because conversing with someone like you is exhausting. You are now a broken shell, a haunting memory of what once was.
So I am sorry for lying.
And abandoning you as I fear being abandoned.
For making myself a trellis to support your growth…
And violently ripping myself away when your thorns bit too hard.
I am sorry we won’t be friends forever.
I loved you. I think.
So I am sorry.
I am sorry to you all.
Extraordinarily Ordinary 