Extraordinarily Ordinary

I’m so scared

Terrified

Lost in a whirlwind of my own mind

I don’t want to be this

I don’t want to be like this

I don’t want to hurt you.

I’m crying now,

Little pieces of myself spilling out, trembling until they tumble from some place behind my eyes that is soaked and filled with fear.

Fear of myself.

Fear of losing you.

Fear of destroying one of the few truly beautiful things I have managed to build.

I feel my poison growing, bubbling. The viscous, sticky pool of insecurity, jealousy, and spite languorously spreading through my mind and body. It saturates my soul and violently invades my mind gripping me entirely; then it comes for you.

I don’t want to hurt you.

Maybe I should go (before you do) to save you from myself.

But that is the cowards path. (But I am a coward).

I love you.

I feel like I can see now. The extent of my toxicity from the last few months. The toll that my irrationality and hysteria have taken on you.

I knew it was happening, but I was staying intentionally unaware of the magnitude. Selfishly lying to myself yet again and distracting myself from my own faults.

And I am so very sorry.

My heart feels like it’s breaking. Splitting in two.

I see the exhaustion on your face, because the stress keeps you from sleeping well, the headaches that last for hours.

I see what I have done to you. And I hate myself for it.

And now I am scared all over again.

Scared that I have gone too far, done too much, and given you too much of a burden to bear.

Terrified that my actions are irreparable, that we are already on the fast track to a terrible death. That we have reached our “expiration date”.

I sincerely hope not. (Though I am scared it is true).

I implore you now, to listen to one more selfish request.

Let me mend; myself, you, us. To the best of my abilities please.

I will not blame you if you leave. For I love you and want you to preserve yourself ultimately.

But I want to try and know that I have tried my best to nurse this back to health. To protect and heal what I have hurt, and to nurture the thing that made me see colors just a little brighter and perceive the world as just a little more brilliant.

I love you

I love my love for you

I’m so, so sorry

I wish to be the person who makes your world a better place.

I’m so scared.