May 6, 2020
Today is a day like every other. It has been a bit over a month of quarantine. COVID persists as the reigning global crisis.
Earlier, I stood on the roof of my workplace. There is something about heights, about the hot sun and the breeze that puts me in a different state of mind. Being accompanied constantly (my love, my heart) makes it so that I often forget or neglect the little things that I fixate on when I am left to my own devices… I miss them sometimes when I remember. The little fixations make life just a small bit more meaningful.
I still feel empty inside sometimes, and sometimes far too full.
Some days it’s like every emotional component of my body (Soul? Being?) is raging, flowing into expression after expression, filling me with things I can’t begin to comprehend. Trying to stifle or temper the feeling only agitates and ignites the fuse. I feel a nagging memory or feeling that once, I knew how to handle these flares… but somehow the instructions are now too faded to read. My overflow of emotional energy is now immune to the medicine that had been prescribed, and I can’t even remember which “pill” I had used in the first place.
On the other hand, some days (moments, also.) are eerily quiet. The storm settles in some deep, unknown place and I can breathe. It feels like clarity and the fullest consciousness have deigned to visit me for the first time in a century. My vision feels clearer, but also narrowed. Whereas normally, I have the entirety of existence within my view but am unable to truly understand any of it, now I see just a few things in their fullest depth. It is strange but, in these times, my limbs feel heavier and more awake. These moments are a much-desired reprieve from the intense cacophony that is typically present, but I wouldn’t want to live like this either. The world feels too heavy this way.
Today I will go home and try to do the dishes. Today I will do my best to be the patient and loving partner that he deserves. I will remember to pay attention to the little things, the small experiences that deserve some energy and focus.
That is my resolution and hope.
– Lorelei
Note: This is written as a Journal Entry so it’s sort of stream of consciousness. It doesn’t all flow together very neatly, and it’s not supposed to.
Extraordinarily Ordinary 